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List of Funny Comebacks to Insults

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  • I’d give you a nasty look but you’ve already got one.

 

  • If you’re going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty.

 

  • I love what you’ve done with your hair. How do you get it to come out of the nos­trils like that?

 

  • If laughter is the best medi­cine, your face must be cur­ing the world.

 

  • The only way you’ll ever get laid is if you crawl up a chicken’s ass and wait.

 

  • It looks like your face caught fire and someone tried to put it out with a ham­mer.

 

  • If I wanted a bitch, I’d have bought a dog.

 

  • I’d like to see things from your point of view, but I can’t seem to get my head that far up your ass.

 

  • I’ve seen people like you before, but I had to pay admis­sion.

 

  • Sci­ent­ists say the uni­verse is made up of neut­rons, pro­tons and elec­trons. They for­got to men­tion mor­ons.

 

  • You’re so fat you could sell shade.

 

  • Why is it accept­able for you to be an idi­ot but not for me to point it out?

 

  • Your lips keep mov­ing but all I hear is “Blah, blah, blah.”

 

  • Your fam­ily tree must be a cac­tus because every­one on it is a prick.

 

  • You’ll nev­er be the man your moth­er is.

 

  • Did you know they used to be called “Jum­polines” until your mum jumped on one?

 

  • Just because you have one doesn’t mean you need to act like one.

 

  • I’m sorry, was I meant to be offen­ded? The only thing offend­ing me is your face.

 

  • Someday you’ll go far… and I hope you stay there.

 

  • Which sexu­al pos­i­tion pro­duces the ugli­est chil­dren? Ask your moth­er.

 

  • Stupidity’s not a crime, so you’re free to go.

 

  • If I had a face like yours I’d sue my par­ents.

 

  • Your doc­tor called with your colono­scopy res­ults. Good news – they found your head.

 

  • No, those pants don’t make you look fat­ter – how could they?

 

  • What’s the dif­fer­ence between your girl­friend and a wal­rus? One has a mous­tache and smells of fish and the oth­er is a wal­rus.

 

  • Save your breath – you’ll need it to blow up your date.

 

  • You’re not stu­pid; you just have bad luck when think­ing.

 

  • If you really want to know about mis­takes, you should ask your par­ents.

 

  • Please, keep talk­ing. I always yawn when I am inter­ested.

 

  • The zoo called. They’re won­der­ing how you got out of your cage?

 

  • Jesus loves you… but every­one else thinks you’re an asshole.

 

  • Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

 

  • I was hop­ing for a battle of wits but you appear to be unarmed.

 

  • Hey, you have some­thing on your chin… no, the 3rd one down.

 

  • Aww, it’s so cute when you try to talk about things you don’t under­stand.

 

  • I don’t know what makes you so stu­pid, but it really works.

 

  • You are proof that evol­u­tion can go in reverse.

 

  • Brains aren’t everything. In your case they’re noth­ing.

 

  • I thought of you today. It reminded me to take the garbage out.

 

  • You’re so ugly when you look in the mir­ror, your reflec­tion looks away.

 

  • When you were born, the doc­tor came out to the wait­ing room and said to your dad, “I’m very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through.”

 

  • I’m sorry I didn’t get that – I don’t speak idi­ot.

 

  • Quick – check your face! I just found your nose in my busi­ness.

 

  • It’s bet­ter to let someone think you’re stu­pid than open your mouth and prove it.

 

  • Hey, your vil­lage called – they want their idi­ot back.

 

  • Were you born this stu­pid or did you take les­sons?

 

  • I’ve been called worse by bet­ter.

 

  • You’re such a beau­ti­ful, intel­li­gent, won­der­ful per­son. Oh I’m sorry, I thought we were hav­ing a lying com­pet­i­tion.

 

  • I may love to shop but I’m not buy­ing your bull.

 

  • Don’t you get tired of put­ting make up on two faces every morn­ing?

 

  • I’d slap you but I don’t want to make your face look any bet­ter.

 

  • Call­ing you an idi­ot would be an insult to all stu­pid people.

 

  • Gay? I’m straight­er than the pole your mom dances on.

 

  • I just stepped in some­thing that was smarter than you… and smelled bet­ter too.

 

  • You have the right to remain silent because whatever you say will prob­ably be stu­pid any­way.

 

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